i am a beautiful and fucking ugly thing

SECRET ONE:

i know he will never read this. for that i am happy. i miss him more than i can bear.
i have let him strip me worse than cancer could yet the emptiness feels like home.
somedays i hope she gives him everything i can’t; somedays i hate this faceless girl.
i struggle constantly not to let myself go back to this pitful state and yet i would.
if he asked for my life, it would be much easier than every other thing i’ve given.
i love him more than i do myself and what’s worse is: I cannot and will not stop it.